What If
by Sophie Temrer Rimmer-Artley
Summary: !needs better title! Rimmer/Lister, AU-ish. Set before series 1. May contain eventual M rated chapter, but not until later on.
1. Chapter One: Gives You Hell

**AN: This is a fic based on a 'what if?' i.e. what if Rimmer and Lister had got on well? This fic is set before the start of Red Dwarf I, but does not follow the canon plot. Enjoy!**

"Ugh.." Dave Lister groaned, wandering into the sleeping quarters and collapsing into a chair.

"Something wrong, Lister?" Rimmer asked, looking up from his revision book.

"Krissie dumped me." Lister sighed.

"Really?" Rimmer said. Lister nodded. "Oh. Sorry to hear it." Lister gave a shrug and took his hat off his head, burying his face in it. Rimmer looked back at his revision, only to hear a heartfelt sob from Lister. His conscience got the better of him, and he put his book down and went over to Lister.

"Do you want to go for a drink?"

Lister looked up. "_You're _asking me if I wanna go for a drink?"

"Well, yes. It looks like you could use one right now." Rimmer took a step back. "If you'd rather not go with me, I understand, I'll get Selby or Chen to..."

"No, it's OK man. Yeah, let's go for a drink." Lister rose to his feet and the two technicians made their way down to the rarely used bar on H deck. The surly barman glared at them as they walked in, but seemed grateful for customers, and served them both a vodka shot on the house before he even asked what they wanted.

"Um, do you want mine?" Rimmer offered, pushing his shot glass towards Lister.

"Nah, you have it man." Lister insisted, drinking his and sliding the glass back across the bar to the barman.

"Well, I'm not really a spirits person, but..." Rimmer's sentence trailed off as he downed the vodka.

"See, it's not that bad." Lister laughed as Rimmer grimaced.

"Shut up." Rimmer said good-naturedly.

After several pints of beer, the two of them were suitably drunk, and Lister began to talk about Kochanski.

"She just stood there and said to me 'Dave, I don't want to do this anymore'." Lister said, doing an uncannily accurate impression of Kochanski. "Then she just walked out and left me there! What the hell was I supposed to do? I wasn't gonna run after her! I'm not a desperate man. So I just started wandering round the place."

Rimmer extended a hand and patted Lister on the shoulder. "She wasn't right for you anyway."

"I can see that now. I just thought she was, y'know?" Lister sighed.

"Shall I put some music on?" Rimmer asked, indicating the jukebox. Lister nodded, and Rimmer crossed the bar and put a bit of spare change in before scrolling through the songs and eventually finding the perfect choice. Lister heard the intro and couldn't help but grin.

_I wake up every evening_

_With a big smile on my face_

_And it never feels out of place_

_And you're still probably working_

_At a nine to five pace_

_I wonder how bad that tastes_

_When you see my face_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you walk my way_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

"See, someday you'll be able to sing this about her." Rimmer smiled.

"I sure hope so, man. I sure hope so." Lister said.

"Go on, try it." Rimmer said.

Lister looked at the barman, then shrugged and began to sing drunkenly.

_Now where's your picket fence love_

_And where's that shiny car_

_And did it ever get you far?_

_You've never seemed so tense love_

_I've never seen you fall so hard_

_Do you know where you are?_

Rimmer nodded encouragingly, starting to join in with Lister.

_And truth be told, I miss you_

_And truth be told, I'm lying_

_When you see my face_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you walk my way_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well_

_Then he's a fool, you're just as well_

_Hope it gives you hell_

_Hope it gives you hell_

The barman gave Rimmer and Lister a funny look as they started to dance in an odd, swaying, drunken way, then ignored them and went back to cleaning glasses.

_Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself_

_Where'd it all go wrong?_

_But the list goes on and on_

_And truth be told, I miss you_

_And truth be told, I'm lying_

_When you see my face_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you walk my way_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well_

_Then he's a fool, you're just as well_

_Hope it gives you hell_

Rimmer and Lister were slowly moving closer to each other as they danced, and they realised this when Lister's body brushed oh-so gently against Rimmer's. Both men let out a sudden gasp and took an abrupt step back. Lister was alarmed to find that he was uncomfortably hard, and he shot a furtive glance at Rimmer's crotch, and saw that he had had a similar reaction.

What the smeg was going on?

_Now you'll never see what you've done to me_

_You can take back your memories, they're no good to me_

_And here's all your lies, you can look me in the eyes_

_With the sad, sad look that you wear so well_

Eventually, the two of them began to dance again, although admittedly a little less freely than before.

_When you see my face_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you walk my way_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well_

_Then he's a fool, you're just as well_

_Hope it gives you hell_

_When you see my face_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you walk my way_

_Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell_

_When you hear this song and you sing along, though you'll never tell_

_Then you're the fool, I'm just as well_

_Hope it gives you hell_

_When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell_

_You can sing along, I hope that it puts you through hell_

The song ended, and Rimmer suddenly had an idea.

"Let's go on planet leave."

"Huh?" Lister said, thinking he hadn't heard Rimmer right.

"I'm serious. Let's go down to Titan on planet leave. You need a holiday. Hell, _I _need a holiday!" Rimmer said, throwing his arms wide and grinning.

Lister looked at Rimmer, then grinned back. "OK!"

The next day at around seven o'clock in the evening, Rimmer and Lister checked in to the Titan Holiday Inn, armed with a week's luggage, and were given their key, to room number 157.

Little did they know, that hotel room was going to be the start of a new chapter in their lives...

**Ooooh! What's going to be so important about the room? Well, obviously **_**I**_** already know, but you don't, so you'll have to read on to find out! Review please!**


	2. Chapter Two: Two Men, One Bed

**AN: Now you can find out the significance of room 157! Enjoy!**

"They've got to be taking the smeg." Rimmer said.

"They're yanking our chains, man." Lister agreed.

Rimmer and Lister stared into their room. Their room, which had only one bed. A double bed.

"Maybe the sofa converts into a bed." Lister suggested. Rimmer walked over and looked at it, prodding here and there to see if another bed suddenly sprung from its depths.

"Nothing." Rimmer shrugged. "Now what?"

"We're gonna complain."

Lister and Rimmer marched angrily back down to the hotel reception desk with their luggage in tow.  
"Is this some sort of joke? Eh? Cause if it is, it ain't funny!" Lister snapped at the woman behind the desk.

"I-I-I'm sorry, wh-what?" the woman stammered.

"Lister, back off. We need to be calm and rational." Rimmer told him. "Sorry for my friend's behaviour. We want to know why we've been given a room with a single bed, when we clearly asked for two beds."

"I am sorry sir, but all our rooms with two beds are taken. That was the only room we could offer you at such short notice. All the others are booked, with the guests expected to arrive imminently. You may have a complaint form to fill in, and complimentary free meals in the restaurant, but I'm afraid that's all I can do."

Rimmer and Lister exchanged glances, then both sighed dejectedly in unison.

"Thank you anyway." Rimmer said politely. They turned and headed back to their room, where they resumed staring at the double bed.

"What are we gonna do?" Lister asked.

Rimmer looked up into Lister's worrying eyes. "I don't know about you, but I'm going to take a shower. Then maybe we can work something out." Rimmer opened his suitcase and pulled out his wash bag before heading into the tiny bathroom. Lister flopped down on the end of the evil double bed and sighed again.

"Smegging hell..." he mumbled. He suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to pee, and charged into the bathroom without thinking...

"AAAARGH! LISTER! AT LEAST KNOCK!"

"SMEG! SORRY!"

Lister came hurtling back out again, gasping for breath. Those were mental images that all the lobotomies in the world wouldn't erase.

Rimmer... naked... dear God...!

Lister fell onto the bed and put his hands over his face. Jeez, he could be a total gimboid sometimes.

When Rimmer emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, he saw that Lister had fallen asleep, sprawled out fully clothed on the left hand side of the bed. Rimmer crossed the room and poked him in the stomach gently.

"Listy?" he whispered. Lister mumbled in his sleep, but didn't wake up. Rimmer rolled his eyes, and edged onto the right side of the bed, intending to wait until Lister woke up before discussing the sleeping arrangements. Unfortunately, the next thing he remembered was waking up with the towel around his knees and his arms wrapped around Lister's (thankfully) still sleeping form. Rimmer moved his arms oh-so carefully away from Lister, before sticking a fist in his mouth and pulling the towel back up, disguising his worryingly hard erection. He moved into the bathroom and, with a well-practised effort, willed his erection down by thinking about his mum. He then straightened up and went back into the room. Lister was drooling onto the pillow, and Rimmer smiled to himself, before prodding Lister in the stomach again. Lister's eyes fluttered open.

"Eh? What time is it?" Lister asked.

"Nine in the morning." Rimmer told him, moving over to his suitcase and pawing through his clothes.

"What? I fell asleep? Smeg, I'm sorry man, I honestly meant to stay awake." Lister apologised.

"It's all right. While I was waiting for you to wake up I fell asleep too." Rimmer said. Lister laughed.

"So what are we gonna do about this, eh?" Lister asked Rimmer, who had pulled out some clean clothes and walked back into the bathroom and shut the door.

"I don't know Lister." Rimmer's voice floated out from the bathroom. "I really don't know."

"I can take the sofa if you want." Lister offered. "I'm the smallest, I won't have to curl up as much as you would."

"No, that's not fair. We should take turns. One night you have the bed, I have the sofa, then the next night we swap." Rimmer said. Lister heard a sound of running water briefly, then Rimmer emerged from the bathroom, now fully dressed.

"I guess that's the best way to do it." Lister agreed. "I'll take first sofa turn tonight then."

"All right then." Rimmer shrugged. "What are we going to do today?"

"Dunno. Let's have a look at the tourist brochures." Lister said, grabbing a handful from the side table and passing a few to Rimmer. The two of them looked through the booklets and leaflets in companionable silence. Rimmer was deep in thought. Why had he woken up cuddled against Lister? That was something he couldn't explain away with excuses of being asleep, although he could try as much as he liked. He cast his mind back. Had he dreamed about anything or anyone? No, he'd had a dream-free night. This was weird...

"Theme park!" Lister suddenly exclaimed, brandishing a leaflet under Rimmer's nose.

"Careful, Lister! You'll have someone's eye out with that!" Rimmer laughed, taking the leaflet from Lister and reading it. "Are you serious, Lister? We're both in our twenties, we'll look ridiculous at a theme park!"

"So? Holidays are about having fun and letting loose. C'mon, live a little!" Lister said with a grin. Rimmer looked at Lister, and somehow that grin persuaded him.

"Oh, okay then!" Rimmer smiled.

"Yeah!" Lister cheered.

About ten minutes later, Rimmer and Lister walked in through the gates of Titan Adventure Theme Park, looking around for something to do.

"Check out that bad boy!" Lister said, pointing at the main rollercoaster. Rimmer looked at the sign.

_Super Spin Splasher: Not recommended for the faint hearted._

"Um, maybe not my thing." Rimmer mumbled.

"Aw, go on Rimmer, for me?" Lister begged, looking up at Rimmer. Rimmer looked back down at Lister, and found he couldn't resist those puppy-dog eyes. What was wrong with him today?

"All right. But if I throw up on you, it's your own fault." Rimmer said. They joined the surprisingly short queue, and were soon ushered onto the ride. Rimmer was visibly shaking as the bar came down, and Lister could see he had already turned a rather nasty shade of green.

"Do you wanna get off, man?" Lister asked, but just then the ride jolted and began to move. "Sorry." he said hurriedly.

"I'm going to kill you Dave Lister." Rimmer said through gritted teeth as they came to the top of the first slope and the carriages began their high-speed descent. Lister raised his arms and whooped, and poor Rimmer hung on to the bar so tightly that his knuckle bones looked like they were trying to escape his skin. After several more dips, and one water drop, they came to a loop-the-loop. Rimmer's eyes widened in horror before he squeezed them shut and, regardless of whether anyone heard or not, screamed like a five-year-old girl as he felt his stomach turn a somersault. He heard Lister's wild cheers of excitement from beside him and fervently wished he wasn't such a wimp. He finally felt the ride judder to a halt, and only then did he dare to open his eyes. Lister's exhilarated face grinned back at him, but then he dropped his ecstatic expression as he looked properly at Rimmer.

"Smeg, let's get you off this thing." Lister said, gently prising Rimmer's fingers off from around the bar and helping him out of the carriage. Rimmer's knees buckled and he collapsed to the floor, groaning. "C'mon man, get up." Lister urged him. "People are staring."

"I don't bloody care." Rimmer managed to mumble before he suddenly propped himself up on his arms and puked onto the floor, narrowly missing Lister's feet.

"Oh, nasty." Lister said. "Please get up, Rimmer."

Rimmer nodded shakily, stumbling to his feet and almost falling straight back down into the pile of sick. Lister grabbed him by the hand just in time and helped him to a bench, where the two of them sat down.

"You think you're gonna be sick again?" Lister asked. Rimmer shook his head slowly. Lister gave a small smile. "Thank God, man. You really scared me back there. I thought you were gonna faint or something."

Rimmer looked back at Lister, and saw real concern in his friend's eyes. The two of them were suddenly so absorbed in each other's gaze, they didn't notice that their hands were still joined, and at that moment, they wouldn't have cared. They were sitting so close together that Rimmer's left leg was touching Lister's right. Eventually Rimmer looked down, turning red, and snatched his hand away. Lister shifted minutely away from Rimmer on the bench.

"Can we just... leave?" Rimmer said quietly. Lister nodded, and the two of them got up and walked out of the theme park. When they finally reached their hotel room, Rimmer turned to Lister.  
"I think I need a shower." he managed to say.

"You need me to get you anything, man?" Lister asked.

"No thanks." Rimmer said as he retreated into the bathroom. Lister sat on the bed and exhaled sharply. What was going on with him and Rimmer? It had started back in the bar on H deck, of that Lister was sure, but he didn't know how to explain it. He was going to have to talk to Rimmer about this, to see if he wasn't just imagining it. After what seemed like hours, Rimmer came out of the bathroom, dressed in clean clothes and with wet hair.

"Erm, listen Rimmer, can we talk?" Lister asked, patting the bed to indicate that Rimmer should sit down.

"Um, all right." Rimmer perched on the bed beside Lister. "What's up?"

"Are you noticing anything... strange? About us, I mean. We seem to be... reacting differently to each other now, and I don't really know why."

Rimmer looked at Lister. "Yes, I have noticed. I don't really understand it. Now, when I look at you, I just... I want to..."

"Want to... what?" Lister asked, subconsciously edging closer to Rimmer. "What is it you wanna do?"

"This." Rimmer replied, and he took Lister's face in his hands and kissed him softly on the lips. After a couple of seconds, Rimmer pulled back, looking at Lister.

"Yeah, that's what I want to do too." Lister said softly. "But... I... I think..."

"Don't think, Listy. Just let what happens, happen." Rimmer said. "I promise we won't rush this."

Lister smiled. "You're right. Let's just go with it."

**Awww! Bless 'em! Next chapter is on the way! Review please!**


	3. Chapter Three: Is That True?

**AN: Right, let's see where this next instalment takes the lovely Rimsy and Listy! Enjoy!**

"Night Rimmer."

"Night Listy."

Silence.

"Goodnight Rimsy."

"Goodnight Lister."

More silence.

"Night night Rimmer."

"Go to sleep, Lister."

"OK."

Lister stared up at the ceiling from his position on the couch. Across the room in the bed was Rimmer. Lister felt he was beginning to understand things now, and had agreed to let the chips fall where they may, so to speak. He kept reliving that brief kiss in his mind, almost wishing he'd had the guts to take it further, but realising it probably wouldn't have been the best idea. Rimmer's breathing slowed, and Lister knew he must have fallen asleep. Lister closed his eyes and let his tiredness take over...

The next morning, Rimmer awoke to the sound of a knock at the door. He hauled himself out of bed and opened the door. Standing there with two plates of breakfast was Lister.

"Room service." Lister grinned. "Sorry about yesterday at the theme park."

Rimmer laughed. "You didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to." Lister shrugged, leaning up and kissing Rimmer on the cheek. They closed the door and sat together on the end of the bed, eating quietly, every so often looking up at each other and smiling. After they finished, Lister grabbed Rimmer around the waist and pushed him into a lying down position on the bed.

"Hey!" Rimmer laughed, trying to get up as Lister pinned him down. "Get off me, you gimp!"

"Nope." Lister grinned, and he leaned down and kissed Rimmer. The kiss started softly, then slowly became harder as Rimmer cautiously slipped his tongue in Lister's mouth. Lister moaned quietly and kissed him back, thrilling at the sensation of Rimmer's tongue brushing against his. Lister slowly ran his hand over Rimmer's chest and stomach, and suddenly Rimmer grabbed Lister by the wrist.

"Stop..." Rimmer said breathlessly. Lister looked a little disappointed, but moved his hand away. "I'm sorry... it's just that I... I don't want things to go too fast. We've barely been together a day." Rimmer's expression was a mixture of embarrassment and arousal. Understanding flickered into Lister's eyes, and he nodded.

"I get it, man. It's OK." Lister said, rolling off Rimmer and letting him sit up.

"Soon we will. I promise we will, but not now." Rimmer told Lister, pulling him into his arms and kissing the top of his head.

"So what do you wanna do today? I chose yesterday, it's your turn." Lister asked.

"You won't like it."

"I will if I'm with you."

Rimmer laughed. "OK then, let's go."

"What, you're not gonna tell me?" Lister smiled.

"No." Rimmer smiled back, and he grabbed Lister by the hand and they walked out of their hotel room.

Around an hour later, Rimmer and Lister stepped off the service bus and Rimmer pointed straight in front of them at the building they had been dropped off at.

"Here we are."

"You were right. I don't like it." Lister said, shaking his head. "You could have warned me we were going to a science museum, man."

"Oh no, this is payback for yesterday." Rimmer grinned. "You made me throw up, now I'm going to force you around this museum if it's the last thing I do. Besides, it won't be that bad, they'll have interactive exhibits as well as the normal kind."

Lister grimaced. "Fine, I'll go quietly." He hung his head.

"You could at least try and look interested. You look like a lamb being led to the slaughterhouse." Rimmer laughed as they walked up to the museum.

"How'd you guess that was the look I was going for?" Lister gave a small smile.

"Come on, gimboid." Rimmer said, taking Lister's hand and dragging him through the entrance. The two of them had a good day wandering around. Rimmer had been right, there were interactive exhibits, and Rimmer found it extremely funny when Lister's dreadlocks stuck up straight when he put his hands on the Van Der Graaf generator. They almost got thrown out of the talk on astrophysics when Lister got bored and started making shadow puppets onto the PowerPoint presentation the speaker was showing on the screen behind him. They spent ages in the virtual observatory, wrapped in each other's arms and watching the animated stars. The highlight of their day, though, was when a little girl with her mum asked "Mummy, why are those two men holding hands?", and it made them smile when the mother replied "Because they love each other." and then kept on walking.

"Is that true?" Lister had asked Rimmer.

"Is what true?" Rimmer had said.

"Do we love each other?"

"Well, it's still early days, but if they carry on being as fun as today, then maybe we will."

They had smiled at each other and shared a quick kiss before heading on around the museum. When they reached the gift shop, the two of them agreed to find a souvenir for each other. Rimmer gave Lister an accurate mini model of a Van Der Graaf generator on a keyring, and Lister bought Rimmer a new book on astronavigation entitled "Astronavigation for Beginners and Idiots". When they got back to the hotel, it was early evening, and there were lots of people they recognised hovering around the entrance looking smart.

"Look, there's Todhunter, and Hollister." Lister told Rimmer, pointing.

"It must be the JMC Annual Officers Ball." Rimmer said. "How I've always wanted to be able to attend that." he sighed wistfully.

"Hang about, if this is the Officers Ball, then..." Lister suddenly froze. "Smeg!" he whispered violently. "It's Krissie!" Lister darted behind the currently unmanned reception desk, and Rimmer followed suit.

"Where?" Rimmer asked.

"Over there, look." Lister indicated where Kochanski was standing. She was wearing a long cocktail dress which was deep turquoise in colour. "She's with her ex-boyfriend Tim." Lister said sadly. "I can't believe she's back with that smeghead."

"Hey hey." Rimmer said, sliding his arms around Lister's waist. "It's all right. She's in the past now."

"Yeah I know, man." Lister sighed. "I'm OK really. It's just a bit gutting to see her with someone else."

"Well then, let's force her to see you with someone else." Rimmer smiled, hauling Lister to his feet.

Lister looked doubtful, then nodded. "All right then." He took Rimmer's hand and the two of them deliberately walked past Kochanski and Tim, and Rimmer accidentally-on-purpose knocked Tim's arm, sending the glass of champagne he was holding down the front of his (most likely dry-clean only) suit.

"Oh, I'm incredibly sorry, I wasn't looking where I was go... Oh, hello Miss Kochanski ma'am." Rimmer said, feigning surprise at seeing her.

"Hello Rimmer, Dave." Kochanski said, not really noticing anything at first. "You're not here for the ball are you?"

"No no, we're down here on planet leave." Rimmer explained as he casually slid an arm around Lister's shoulders. Kochanski did a mini double-take, then regained her composure.

"Oh... well, that's nice." she said distractedly. "Do you know Tim? He's a chef."

"I don't think I do. Pleased to meet you sir." Rimmer raised his free arm and gave Tim the Rimmer-salute.

"You too, Rimmer is it? Ah yes, I've heard about you before." Tim said, with a hint of a sneer.

"Oh he's heard of me, Listy, isn't that nice?" Rimmer said, adding a bittersweet edge of sarcasm to his tone of voice. "Well, can't stand around chatting all day, we've got things to do, haven't we Dave?"

"Sure have, Arnold." Lister grinned, shooting an obvious wink at Rimmer, before leaning closer to him and whispering deliberately loudly "Is it my turn tonight?"

"You know it is." Rimmer whispered back just as theatrically before planting a quick kiss on Lister's lips. They looked back at Kochanski and Tim, who looked identically shell-shocked. "See you around." Rimmer said in his normal voice, and with that the two technicians turned and left. Kochanski turned to Tim.

"Well, I knew they were friends, but I didn't think they were that close!" she said.

Meanwhile Rimmer and Lister were now out of sight and earshot, and they collapsed into hysterical laughter, leaning against the wall.

"That was pure genius!" Lister managed to get out through his sniggers. "The looks on their faces were priceless! I wish I'd had my camera!"

"Nice touch with the whispers, by the way. I'd never have thought of that." Rimmer chuckled.

"Well, I didn't think you were actually gonna kiss me in front of them! That was what did it for sure." Lister grinned hugely. "I reckon that deserves a high five, man!" Lister raised his hand and Rimmer slapped it, laughing again. "C'mon, I'm exhausted. Let's go to bed."

"Together?" Rimmer said. "I mean... I don't want to... I haven't changed my mind... but..."

"It's OK man. We've got a double bed, we may as well use it."

They made their way up to their room and changed into their pyjamas before crawling under the covers together and exchanging a brief kiss before falling asleep curled up together.

**Awww, cute! Review please!**


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